When I was a kid I was afraid of the dark. Maybe it was all knotted up with the family anxiety I mentioned earlier. Maybe it was because my two big brothers liked to turn out all the lights in the house when my parents were gone, then hide and jump out to scare the crap out of me.
I remember trying to cure myself by taking long evening walks around the back side of the abandoned college campus across the street from our house. I would set my resolve. Steel my nerves. Set out, determined to walk--not run--even through the blackest part of the old road.
It didn't work. Even though I did it for about 3 summers in a row. Every time I got to the point furthest away from my house, the part with no streetlights, I'd get an irresistible urge to RUN.
There's a Buddhist story about a tough guy who repented and wanted to awaken. Often as he sat in meditation he was visited by his demons. Some of them he was able to face down. Those demons gave up on him and went away.
But the worst, toughest, and scariest demon wouldn't budge. Nothing the man did could vanquish this demon. And the demon's presence itself was a constant rebuke. It made the novice monk think of himself as a failure.
One night, as he sat meditating and the demon came and sat with him yet again, opening his huge mouth to reveal his terrible teeth, the aspiring monk stood up and walked over to the demon. Then climbed into its mouth, and there he sat, resolved to practice his meditation there.
Dismayed and disgusted, the demon went away.
I take this as big hint that trying to banish our demons, overcome our fears, is perhaps not the wisest intention. It's that equanimity thing we want to cultivate. An ability to rest even in the presence of what scars us. Even though we walk through the valley of the shadow of death.
Even though ___
Even though ___
Even though ___ (fill in your own terrors here).
Breathing in we notice was scares us.
Breathing out we rest with what scares us.
Breathing in we're kind to ourselves (and patient with our demons!).
Breathing out we're grateful for trust enough to try this.
