A very natural way to get a good idea of how to take our ‘selves’
more lightly is to think about the roles we all play in life. We’re always
learning the balance between our work-selves and home-selves. We move in and
out of other roles—child, parent, grandchild, niece, nephew, uncle, aunt,
grandparent. Student, teacher, employee, boss, etc., etc.
Moving in and out of these roles is part of the ‘Non-Identification’
step in RAIN practice (see yesterday’s post).
Over time we begin to recognize how life-giving and life-saving it is for us not to confuse our souls with our roles.
Jack Kornfield—in all that follows—fleshes this out more fully:
All are roles. Each arises due to circumstances and
conditions. When we are young we feel the role of son or daughter most strongly
when we are with our parents. We try to fulfill it and behave accordingly. Yet when
our parents are absent and we are playing with our friends, our role as son or
daughter drops away—unless, of course, we have a mother who, because of her own
shaky identity, insists that we think about her all the time. For forty hours a
week, many of us enact our role as worker or provider. Yet to the extent that
we cling to any of these identities, we suffer.
If I try to keep my role as Buddhist teacher when I come
home, it is a disaster.
If I offer my frazzled wife Buddhist teachings on patience
or generosity, she will feel patronized and simply remind me that it’s my turn
to water the garden and do the dishes. My daughter does not want a teacher of
meditation or a psychologist; she wants an ordinary father who will listen,
understand her experiences, and be playful, supportive, and sympathetic. When I
am a partner, husband, and father, the three of us learn from each other.
If a policewoman can’t relax and be just a human being when
she’s out with her friends, she is imprisoned by her identity. If a CEO can’t
let go of his work when it’s time to care for his son, they both suffer.
To be wise we need to be able to enter each role fully, with
awareness and compassion, and to let it go when our part is done.
When we marry we have to let go of being single. When our
children become adults, we have to let go of our old role of helping manage
their life. When we take a new job or leave one, retire, or change from
employee to manager, we need to let one role go and take up another.
We can be free only if underneath all these temporary roles
we do not forget that they are not who we really are.
