One of the practices of mindfulness is ‘refraining’ – to simply hold back from doing what we usually do. You know the tongue-in-cheek definition of foolishness: ‘to continue doing the same thing while expecting a different result’? If we really want a different result we should try a different action. I’m naturally yangy—I tend to act first and consider later. Yin is being more open to letting things unfold on their own, letting them come to us.
When Ruth came home one night long past curfew I was waiting up for her, anxious and angry. Our conversation began as usual with me reminding her how she was supposed to be behaving and with her blowing it off. At some point I remembered the advice about refraining and so I just stopped talking. After a few minutes Ruth stopped talking too. Then she said something like, “Well, this is pretty stupid. Why aren’t you saying anything?”
I didn’t have anything to say so we continued for a minute in awkward silence. Then I said something like, “I’m being quiet because I don’t know what to say and I don’t want to say something hurtful.”
The awkwardness lasted another five minutes or so, with me stammering an attempt or two at a different kind of approach. (One of the things I loathe the most in life is being inarticulate.) But then something shifted and we wound up having the most open conversation we’d had in a long while, heart to heart and head to head.
My first attempt at ‘practicing’ refraining was not pretty. Nevertheless, it was profound.
